Look Who's Pulling Up!!

And his name shall be . . .

Andrew and I attended a short little memorial service today put on by the chaplains at Scott and White. It was very small - only us and one other family. It wasn't exactly the service I would have chosen had I actually put together a funeral for my baby, but it was a nice gesture by the chaplains, and it was part of the healing process for me. Because we were not able to do a formal service for our baby, this really did provide some closure to me. No, the journey to healing isn't over. No, I don't all of a sudden feel better. Yes, my emotions are still all over the place. However, just like a funeral, there is a bit of closure to the actual event. I read a letter to the baby while I was there, and I wanted to share it with you. For the first time, I have officially named him.


October 23, 2010

To my sweet baby boy,

A month ago today, I saw your precious silhouette on the ultrasound machine at the doctor’s office. As I looked at you with tears in my eyes, I realized that you were gone. You were a precious gift given to me for such a short time. I believe that everyone is created for a purpose. My sweet little one – your purpose was fulfilled all too soon.

Although I carried you for only 17 short weeks, I loved you from the moment you were formed. Even though I will never get to hold you, never get to kiss you, never get to snuggle with you at those late night feedings, you are my son, and you will always be a part of our family.

And so today, I will give you your name. Your name will be Garrett Roy Hazen – a special name for a very special little boy. You have been named after two of your great-grandfathers who went before you to help prepare a special place for you in Heaven. I pray that they will hold you and love on you like I will never be able to do this side of eternity. I love you baby Garrett, and I will see you again someday.

Love always,
Mommy


I've thought long and hard about how I want to honor my sweet little baby boy, and this is what I've decided. Please feel free to join me in this if you want to, but do not feel obligated.

I would like to see Garrett's name written in different ways in different environments. For example, if you live near the ocean, I would love to see his name written in the sand. If you and your kids are eating cereal for breakfast, I would love to see his name written using the cereal to make the letters. If you are an artist, I would love to see his name written in a beautiful way. If you live in another city, state, or country, I would love to see his name written on a piece of paper and photographed by a special place near your home. If you wish to honor our son in this way, please feel free to be creative. By writing his name, you are showing your support and love to us as we continue to walk the road to healing.

If you wish to join us as we write Garrett's name and remember his short life, please e-mail me your pictures. My e-mail address is kara_hazen@prodigy.net.

Thank you for walking beside us this year as we've had to deal with several crisis situations - thank you for bringing us dinner, for calling and checking on us, for crying with us, for gift cards to help us buy groceries and baby items, for playing with our children, for listening, for coming to see us, and for loving us. We appreciate each and every one of you.

Pumpkin Patch 2010

Last weekend we ventured out to the local pumpkin patch. A church near our house sets up TONS of pumpkins on their property. We took Peter last year, so we knew he would have fun. He had a great time touching pumpkins, picking them up, looking at the gourds, and eating popcorn. He finally picked out three little pumpkins to bring home to decorate. Danielle enjoyed it as well - her favorite part was holding pumpkins and licking them. She's definitely in the stage of "everything goes in the mouth!"

If you look closely, you can see Peter making the "Hook 'em Horns" sign with his right hand. Maybe we have a future Longhorn among us?

Check out the blog from last year - same exact picture!!

Look Mommy - I got popcorn!!

Yummy! This one tastes good!!

Can I take it home?

Today

Today was an interesting day as far as emotions go. As I'm sure you understand, my emotions have been all over the place lately. I am dealing with anxiety on a level that I've never dealt with it before. It's amazing what losing a baby can do to you, especially losing a baby that you had seen on an ultrasound, felt kicking inside of you, and delivered naturally after feeling intense contractions more painful than anything else I've ever felt. I have good days and bad days, and then I have days like today - a little of both.

My cousin Holly came over this morning for a few hours to play with the kids and observe Danielle for a class she's taking. Both kids LOVED playing with her. Danielle especially loved the bubbles that Holly blew for her, and Peter was really interested in the flip camera that Holly had used to videotape Danielle playing. We had a great visit, and I can't wait for her to come back.

Did you know that today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day? I didn't either - until this week. It's amazing what you notice once you are actually thrown into it. A day to remember babies who were born to soon or gone too quickly? I had no idea. I'll tell you this, though. I'll remember this day every year now that I'm a part of it. Peter has no idea that today is a day to remember these babies, but his timing was very interesting when we had this conversation this morning...

Peter: Mommy, do you have a baby in your tummy?

Mommy: No Peter, not anymore.

Peter: Did God take it?

Mommy: Yes Peter, He did.

Peter: Were you crying in the doctor's office?

Mommy: Yes, I was.

And that was it. After talking about it, he was off to the next topic of conversation. It's only the second or third time that he's asked about the baby since we found out the baby was gone. Why he remembered today, I'll never know.

We also got a card from Scott and White in the mail today. It was an invitation to a Service of Remembering for families who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, ectopic pregnancy, or infant loss in their hospitals. The service is next Saturday. Saturday will be exactly a month since we saw the ultrasound without the heartbeat. I would have been 21 weeks on Saturday. I'm glad they are doing something. I think it is definitely part of the healing process, and I think it will help in providing some closure.

I think my biggest fear is that the baby will be forgotten. I'm worried that, in a year, no one will even remember there was a baby. I know that the baby only lived 16 weeks, and all of that inside of me, but that baby was important to us, and I pray that the baby is never forgotten.

The Rhombus

Peter received some new playdough toys for his birthday, and he absolutely loves them. He asks to play playdough almost every day. That's usually one of the special things he gets to do with Andrew after dinner if he naps during the day. The set came with several shapes that you can use to cut that shape out of the playdough. There is a circle, a heart, and a couple others. Peter's favorite? The rhombus!! I turned around the other day to see him holding his creating and exclaiming, "Look Mommy! I made a rhombus!". I think that officially defines him as the son of a math nerd mommy!!

Proving Mommy Wrong

Dear Mommy,

I was just teasing you when you thought I would eat only applesauce. See? I ate lots of beans when you put them on my tray! Maybe I'll eat them again, maybe I won't. I guess we'll see tomorrow. :)

Love,
Danielle

Applesauce Addict

Hi - My name is Danielle, and I'm addicted to applesauce. I used to eat anything my mommy gave me, but lately, I only eat applesauce. Then my mommy introduced me to Pirate's Booty. Maybe I'll become a Pirate's Booty addict too. :)