Today

Today was an interesting day as far as emotions go. As I'm sure you understand, my emotions have been all over the place lately. I am dealing with anxiety on a level that I've never dealt with it before. It's amazing what losing a baby can do to you, especially losing a baby that you had seen on an ultrasound, felt kicking inside of you, and delivered naturally after feeling intense contractions more painful than anything else I've ever felt. I have good days and bad days, and then I have days like today - a little of both.

My cousin Holly came over this morning for a few hours to play with the kids and observe Danielle for a class she's taking. Both kids LOVED playing with her. Danielle especially loved the bubbles that Holly blew for her, and Peter was really interested in the flip camera that Holly had used to videotape Danielle playing. We had a great visit, and I can't wait for her to come back.

Did you know that today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day? I didn't either - until this week. It's amazing what you notice once you are actually thrown into it. A day to remember babies who were born to soon or gone too quickly? I had no idea. I'll tell you this, though. I'll remember this day every year now that I'm a part of it. Peter has no idea that today is a day to remember these babies, but his timing was very interesting when we had this conversation this morning...

Peter: Mommy, do you have a baby in your tummy?

Mommy: No Peter, not anymore.

Peter: Did God take it?

Mommy: Yes Peter, He did.

Peter: Were you crying in the doctor's office?

Mommy: Yes, I was.

And that was it. After talking about it, he was off to the next topic of conversation. It's only the second or third time that he's asked about the baby since we found out the baby was gone. Why he remembered today, I'll never know.

We also got a card from Scott and White in the mail today. It was an invitation to a Service of Remembering for families who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, ectopic pregnancy, or infant loss in their hospitals. The service is next Saturday. Saturday will be exactly a month since we saw the ultrasound without the heartbeat. I would have been 21 weeks on Saturday. I'm glad they are doing something. I think it is definitely part of the healing process, and I think it will help in providing some closure.

I think my biggest fear is that the baby will be forgotten. I'm worried that, in a year, no one will even remember there was a baby. I know that the baby only lived 16 weeks, and all of that inside of me, but that baby was important to us, and I pray that the baby is never forgotten.