Angry

Angry.

That is how I feel right now.

Angry.

I am angry that I missed out on the first month of my new baby girl. I am angry that I didn't get that bonding time with her that I so needed.

However, I am blessed that other people did get time with her. Some of my family bonded with Danielle in ways that they would never have had if I had not gotten sick.


I am angry that I couldn't nurse her for 3 weeks and trying to get that back is taking so much time and effort. I'm angry that it looks like it isn't working. I'm angry that it looks like it's time to give up trying.


However, I am blessed that she transitioned to the bottle and formula so easily. Danielle is growing and healthy. Because she takes a bottle like a champ, other people are able to enjoy the blessing of being able to feed her.



I am angry that I missed out on 3 weeks of Peter's life at a time where he is learning so much each day.

However, I am blessed that many of my friends and family got to know my sweet little boy in a way they hadn't before. I'm thankful that he was young enough when I got sick to not have a concept of time. He has no idea that I was gone for so long, and I don't think he'll even remember it in the future.

I am angry that my husband had to spend almost 2 weeks unsure if I would get well and come home again.

However, I am blessed that he was able to take 2 months off work to stay with me in the hospital, help with the kids, and help me get my strength back. We were blessed by everyone that supported him and prayed for him during that time.

I am angry that my family and friends had to go through something as tragic as this.

However, I am blessed that many of them came to see me. I have heard many stories from friends and family about people who started praying again, people who started attending church, people who gained a new appreciation of their kiddos, and people whose lives were changed after watching what I went through and seeing the miracle of my healing.



I am angry that I could not hardly move after coming off the ventilator, and I'm angry that my body is still feeling the effects of that. I'm angry that my lungs may never be back to normal again. I am angry that doing simple things during the day still tires me out sometimes. I'm angry that my muscles still ache at the end of each day.

However, I am blessed that I had such a quick recovery and was walking on my own again just 2 weeks after the ventilator was removed. Although I still have some issues with muscle soreness, stamina, and weakness, I am so close to being back to where I was before I got sick.

Praise God for healing my body and restoring it in such a way that I am able to enjoy life with my family to the fullest!!!